On Writing

Just finished 1st draft of Play With Me and it took me all but what almost a year?!?!? It started with I Don't Like This Game which i wrote September of last year. It's year and this is most I have to show for it. It is REALLY hard to write a long piece of fiction. Or maybe it's just the momentum, it's hard to keep for a longer story. If it's a thousand or so words it's easy. It's just like a 100m sprint. But a short story is like 500 m run or something. A book would probably be like marathon...geez that would take me ten year?!? Hopefully not. And I think I should move away from writing horror. Surreal fiction is better for me. When I feel murderous then I'll write horror again.

Streamlining

So, all the stuff I'm being getting myself into seem to getting the best of me again. Getting pretty overwhelmed. So I'll just list out the things I'm doing to de-clutter my brain.

So of course with my research, it is on going but it is progressing fairly well now. Hope I get approval for ACAM6 conference in December and maybe the SUT technical evening in October. Then there's the whole tutoring thing, I'm doing about 16 hours a week this semester which is about the same as I did last semester and it can be pretty much at times. I find it very hard to concentrate again after I had  done a tutorial. Need to go for a walk, take a breather.

Then there is the whole fitness and gym thing. So I still want to do 12 km runs every Sunday and go to gym 3-5 times a week. There's just so many classes to do and they are all important so I'm trying to fit it all in a week. There's Body Pump, Combat, Attack and Balance. So need to balance out all these.

Then there's the reading and writing. I am attempting to read about a book a week, and this has been a bit hit and miss and some times I am just not in the mood. And then with the writing, it is pretty non existent lately. I just need to sit down and start writing then it will flow. But I don't know...it is very difficult, even mentally anguishing to get myself to sit down to write. But when I do, I always feel better. I do not know what it is. Maybe the fear of writing, of it being not perfect. Well, I need to get the mistakes out of my system anyways. So just need to keep writing.

And then there's learning Swedish. I start classes in October and have been listening to Swedish audio tapes. And learning and also reading a Swedish dictionary and some lesson books. Going pretty slow at the moment because I cannot find the time to do it. I think all hell will break lose when I actually start classes in October.

And Lydia's wedding is end of September and I'm going to Malaysia for a week. That's a good breather for me. Why am I doing so many things at once? I think I'll not get anywhere very quickly with so many things to do.

Oh yeah, and I forgot. I'm still playing the guitar. And learning songs. And piano? Not even touched it in months...I think I need to prioritize what is important and sort my life out.

Also I have thought of doing volunteer work on weekends. Hmmm, maybe this should be priority, puts my life in perspective better. Will see how it goes. Life seems hectic now. All of my own making...

City to Surf 2010!!!

So yesterday was city to surf for Perth and I did the 12 km Channel Nine run. It was more difficult than I anticipated because there were more hilly bits than I anticipated!!! But overall it was awesomely fun. And I ran a bit faster at the start than I wanted. There were so many people to take on, so I'm like 'I want to be faster than that granny' or 'I want to be faster than that little kid'. In the end get outran by some of them in the end because I just could not run all the way, had to get back to walking speed few times. Also it was very difficult to see how far there was left so at a certain stage I was walking again and I'm like why is everyone running. Then I saw in the distance the black ending line structure, then I was like 'Oh shit!' and went for mad dash to the finish. Out of the way all you people, I'm coming through because I've been conserving too much energy!!! Bloody hell...Well, next year I will know the route better, and probably good idea to do a trial run a week or two before. But really, I think it's very possible to be under an hour, I will train harder. Will start running again week after.

Oh yeah, and the medal is a tiny piece of shit, next year i want to do half marathon if just for the larger cooler medal.

Anticipation

This weekend is city to surf!!! I am still going to body attack tomorrow morning. and probably pump and balance on saturday. I'll just try not to put too much pressure on Sunday. Very excited/apprehensive. Never actually did a 12 km run before. So hopefully I do okay. Well, don't think I'll get any sleep on Saturday night. So hopefully I do not puke on Sunday.

Going to be super hectic few months till about November I think. Lots to do, but it's better than having nothing to do. Still handleable the load at the moment, just need to keep ebbing away at it. Talking about ebbing...makes me think of cake. I love cake.

I actually do no really like cheese cake, unless it's cheese cake that does not really taste like cheesecake. I like perhaps creamy cheesecake, which I guess isn't really much of a cheescake, more of a cheese cream cake. But I do like cheese in itself, I like cheese and crackers. And orange juice.

Talking about orange juice, I wonder if it's bad to drink those that's not really fresh orange juice, that is those with long expiration dates. I drink quite a bit of that.

Talking of fruits, bought really huge green apples at the weekend. Wow wee, apples can really make my puke reflux kick in. I don't know, although apples are sweet, I feel like puking after the whole apple. It's weird. Maybe my body cannot take that much healthiness in 1 sitting.

Ok, so I've talked about puking twice in this post. What have I to say about puking. I actually hate puking. What am I talking about, who the hell likes puking. Well, comparing puking and having an upset stomach. Hmmmm, it depends on what kind of upset stomach.

Okay, I will just stop myself there, I do not want either of those things. So yeah, no more talk of puking or diarrhea.

Mmmm, I do not actually have anything else to say. Mmmm, I have a dirty dirty mind. No actually I don't. If I did I would continue talking about that stuff. But I'm not so I was kind of repulsed by even thinking of that a little too much. *Phew*

Maybe I have something less gross to talk about.

One last thing, the leg of the yaroo jajooba's foot is a little to big fit in a space boot, so it can't go to space. That's species profiling I tells ya! Ooks will come to get you...

Artistic Expression

I have been watching lots of So You Think You Can Dance lately. And these pieces, some of them just make tear up because they are so touching, and some you just can't stop smiling at. Then I get to thinking of why this is so. At the very basic mechanical level of it, they are just people moving their body and moving around, why is it so affecting? Well, but it is. Even without prior explanation, you feel the expression of art. Of love. And that is the beauty, there is no metric of measuring it. Even when some pieces are not as technical, they are still beautiful because of the heart that is in it.

And with that I get to thinking about my own work. What is my writing doing? Are they just words, words just strung together to carry a meaning. These words have been used a million times, what makes them special? And sometimes I am so paralyzed by judgment of whether my writing is good enough that I find it difficult to carry on writing. So through watching SYTYCD I come to a realization. That if I write from an honest and not pretentious place, it would at least mean something real to me. And because it is real to me, hopefully people can relate to what I am saying also. And that would be my truth and I can live with that. Even if a story is cliche and have been told a million time, if you come from a very real place in telling it, then you can breathe life into that story.

Say people like van Gogh, his paintings were never appreciated until after he died. He was condemned by the art community. And the feeling I get is the type of people that condemned his work as mediocre at the time, are the same kind of people today that think his work was absolutely marvelous. So a prior 'tag' of what is good is never the way to go, and it should not be the direction of where to take my artistic expression.

Given that it is an expression, everyone would have an opinion of your work. And to filter in constructive criticism and be strong and keep persevering with your art is also an important skill. There are plenty of great artists that lots of people like and I just do not like their work. Does that mean their work is not good? I don't think so, just a matter of preference. So what can you do when the whole world thinks your work is absolute rubbish? Again, it is important to take criticism with consideration, but at the end of the day one needs to persevere and be true to one's art, because only with honesty and sincerity will one achieve true artistic expression.

12 km Again

I think I'll stop calling them 12 km attempts, seeing that I did actually do 12 km's and I will be pretty much doing it every Sunday from now on. This time I did it in 1 hour 8 minutes. And that reduction of 1 minute from last week, was very very tough this time around. I was seriously pushing myself to quit stopping. Anyways, one good thing is with my new Adidas runners and cross trainers, my feet no longer hurt. I usually thought it was just pain from exercising, and I had to work through it and bare with it. And I did that for almost 7 years! Until recently it was quite unbearable because I increased my gym time and add that to the running every week. But now for once, it was barely there! And I think what little pain there was, was actually residual from the past. But I think after another few weeks the pain will absolutely be gone. Hopefully I can keep improving on my time. My aim for next year would be maybe to do the half marathon (21 km), not sure how hard that is though. Will see how it goes.

The other thing is I tried making prawn and fennel soup. It tasted fine, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the type of soup, because I seriously can never finish a whole bowl without feeling like puking. Maybe the soup is too thick. Well, the consistency it like what I have out though. Maybe I just like clear soups better. Anyways, I think this turned out okay, and I'm getting quicker at cooking, so yeah, doesn't eat at too much time. Well next will the thing to cook next time would be leek mash and steak I guess. I'm not really good with steak so....fingers crossed.

the yummy, cozy and lovely

So I cooked this this week, it's supposed to be with orzo but I just used long grain rice. If I were to buy a whole bag of orzo, I seriously would have no idea what else to do with it or when I can finish it. So the recipes I'll be doing next few weeks is in attempt to clear out all the crap in the food closet and fridge. Anyways, did that beef mince, rice, eggplant whatever bake. And the thing on top is yoghurt. It actually was not bad, well better than that stupid African chicken dish I made last week. Seriously bleah to that.

Picture of books..

Decent Literature

It is weird to think that some books would be considered rubbish and that it was the equivalent of watching too much television these days. I mean when you read more classical books, you would think they were quite good now and quite proper. But during their time, they were considered trash by lots of people. Say books like Tess of the D'ubervilles or Jane Austen books, they have feminist undertones. And during those times, it would have been considered highly inappropriate. And also books that challenged social sensibilities, they would be called blasphemous, pornographic, violent, and really, just of poor taste.

So it is very ironic, that these book that were so despised has now become some sort of norm for the social elite to study and 'analyze', what they mean, the life of a simpler time. Essentially, what the book was meant to be has been so deformed into exactly what it was fighting against.

I get the sense that some book written by some ancient Greek idiot will today be idolized by scholars which is ridiculous. What is my point? The point is this. I am tired and I have no idea what I'm saying.

12 km Attempt 4

This time did it in 1 hour 9 minutes! And it took quite an effort. Maybe I started too hard. And found hard to keep momentum. But really, last week I was jogging too slowly. This week I did intervals of jogging faster and walking for several seconds. And lo behold, it was faster. If I could jog all the way! But that is very hard right now. I think I need to hit the gym and do 5 minute sprints every few days, to build up the strength for the bursts more. Still want that 1 hour mark. Less than 2 weeks to city to surf, I need to sign up next week. Hopefully I can go good on the way, I wanted to give up so many times today, but just had to tell my brain to shut up and keep on going.

Also probably had to do with the music, last week I had John Mayer's Battle Studies and Train's Save Me California. This week I started running with The Hives then Oasis, so maybe that sort of pushed me a bit. I will try with Train and Oasis next week, see what happens.

Philosophy for the Every Person

I with to study philosophy because I believe it would bring about a shift of how I live my life, and if not that significance, perhaps the reason I live my life. Even if I do everything the same as I do now, study of philosophy would allow me to be more purposeful and have more intent on what I am doing. Have reason behind every mechanical motion, if you will.

I used to think philosophy was very highfalutin (ok, I was just being ironic that highfalutin in itself sounds like a pompous word). Ok, what I mean is philosophy seemed to be for the snotty, egotistical person. But after reading more of philosophy it really is not. It is discovering your true self, and what you mean to yourself and the world you live in. Surely there is no divide that everyone want to know why they are, what they are, who they are, how they came to be. Well, at any rate I do.

For instance, I wondered why I felt bad when my room was messy. And after cleaning it, I felt better. And one possible reason is this. The human mind have this natural state of wanting to order things, to link things, relate the cause and effect. So a chaotic environment is very difficult to comprehend for the human mind. Thus arranging things neat and tidy, removes a strain from your mind. So yes, a tidy room makes me feel less 'messy' in my head.

So philosophy I do not think only concerns with abstract ideas that are ideal. It also gives reason to actions and its understanding is imperative for living a fulfilling life.

I am absolutely a thinker. I study mechanical engineering with the sole purpose of understanding nature, as I thought the understanding of the language of nature is the key to a deeper appreciation for this world. How it works, will give meaning to why I am here. And that is partly true.

I have just read that sciences have roots in philosophy where the earliest thinkers can be split into two types. One group who were concerned with the 'meaning' of nature and another which was interested with the interaction of people and their structure and organizations. The first group is called natural philosophers and the second is political philosophy. I did not understand this distinction until now.

The study of physics, chemistry, biology as we know them today is borne of natural philosophy. It is satisfying to me that I a m now contributing to this area. But also I believe I need to understand political philosophy, as nature today is even more influenced by politics and the policy makers than ever. So to make informed decisions and have the correct awareness in society means being well-informed in the area of nature and what is 'real'.

12 km Attempt 3

Cut down by 2 minutes to 1 hr 15 mins!!! That's big for me. Not least because I reduced the first part a lot. I jogged slowly for an hour without stopping. Then I refilled my water and found it really hard to get back up to speed. I think I should just go the whole way next time and faster without refilling. Should go better.

Also I jogged too slow for too long. I actually jogged slow for about 40 minutes then ramped up a bit in the next 20 minutes. So this coming Sunday I'm looking to just jog slow for the first 15 minutes to warm up, then a normal jog till the end. It seriously is very hard to keep momentum when you have returned to walking pace.

And also my perception of distance is horrible. What I thought was "halfway point" of my track, was actually 1 hour. And the second half of it was just 15 minutes. So yeah, I might as well go all the way next time.

Philosphical Awakening

I believe this year is a year of many discoveries for me. This is very important to me, so I shall try to be as succinct and organized with my thoughts as I can. This book, Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder has completely overhauled my life. When I started reading it, I just expected a lovely, magical children's book. But going several chapters into it, it has turned into much more.

This book has opened a whole new world to me that in the most wonderous sense, lit a light bulb in my mind and spirit. From an early age, I remembered distinctly being dissatisfied with life and everything in it, and everything seemed empty, hollow, insignificant. And I begin to ask questions of why, how, what.. Was I going mad. And I truly believe I was going mad. I question everything, was critical over everything. And I seriously asked myself why, why am I like this, why can I not accept. And all this questioning and searching really was very tiresome, and it came to me plenty of times in my life when I thought what was the point. I felt sad and deflated. I did not know what more to think, every thought was fruitless. Why do I exist? Why I am I here? What is my purpose?

I have thought hard to answer these questions. Many would argue of course the answer is religion. Faith. Believing in God and a larger Being and purpose than yourself. But the idea of organized religion never bode well in my mind. There was always a niggling feeling that something is wrong. I understand faith is essential, but when ideas so obviously contradict reason and fact, it is not acceptable. I shall not go into detailed discussion of this now as it would overshadow my main point.

That is when I read this book, everything clicked for me. Not that it answered all my questions, but I know now where to start looking for the answers. And that is philosophy. The questions I am asking now, had been asked by generations upon generation before now. And how ignorant I am not to know. I knew at a very general level, that there were the Greek thinkers, Enlightenment, Renaissance, Marxism etc, but it did not relate to me that this was anything to do with my question. And now I see, there have been trains of thoughts on these matters for thousands of years. And I now have tapped into the most beautiful thing in the world, the thoughts of the great thinkers of the ages.

I think philosophy has been a part of me before I even knew what it was. The same thoughts that occurred to thinkers like Plato and Aristotle, only came to me after long periods of deep thought and struggle with myself. So it is beyond my wildest imagination, that I have found for my self the fountain of knowledge. I am hopeful I can my find my answers. I now aspire to be a philosopher and satisfy this thirst that to this point I could not elucidate.

I think now this blog will very much turn into a discussion of philosophy. I have so much to say, so much to read, so much to write.