A Sore Throat Quiets The Mind

I have a sore throat today. I really do hate feeling sick, especially sore throats. They really suck, I hate the feeling of having a sore throat. Coughs are pretty bad as well, almost as bad as sore throats. But I do say, sometimes I do like fevers if I get to be wrapped up in blankets and be very comfortable. I do like that, but only if I have nothing to do. However that rarely happens because one only gets sick at the most unideal times. That may also be because during that time one is stressed and so one gets sick then.

Well, anyways. As I was saying, I have a sore throat now. And I find it somewhat good at this time. Somehow my mind is quieter. Is is some physiological thing that because one has sore throat and cannot speak that the mind chatters less as well? Perhaps, or perhaps I'm just being silly. Anyways I do enjoy my mind being quiet. Not that I am mental or anything, having multiple voices in my head. It is more that I am constantly bombarded by my never-ending list of things to do and incessant worrying of how things need to go in the future. It is very problematic, when I do not have any clear idea of where I am going, how to get there, when to get where when, and who should I approach to ask for direction s (figuratively speaking). But anyways, I guess one should have faith in this sort of things? I particularly lack faith and so am always thinking and thinking, until it is all thought out but I still haven't figured anything out. Well, it is kind of ridiculous that I need a sore throat to make myself see that this is not very right is it. I guess sickness really is the body telling me I am not doing myself any good.

The Moment Before I Sleep

I always struggle to think of what to write for this blog. It started out as being the place where I put my thoughts and I would like them to be insightful and perhaps smart. But often times I struggle to think of anything to write. So here I am to write about a particular problem.

The moment I switch off the lights and lay my head on my pillow ready for sleep, always, without fail, the most wonderful idea for a blog post pops into my head. It is as if the thought has been culminating throughout the day, and at the most greatly inappropriate moment it comes to me this gem of an idea. I could never be bothered really to get up again to jot it down, let alone fire up the laptop to write up the post. Perhaps I really should write down these ideas, just so I can see if they really are great ideas. Perhaps in daylight those ideas may actually be turd-like when exposed to the proper lighting. Anyways, it is just very convenient for my procrastinatory (this is not a word I think, given the red squiggly line appeared right under 'procrastinatory') nature that the best thoughts I have occur right when I am about to shut down my brain for the day. Anyways, good or bad, hopefully I have more time to write from now on as my calendar is pretty much clear till the end of the year, when I am presenting at an Engineering Simulation Conference, MODSIM 2011.

Change of Career/Job?

I tend to ask myself this a lot. Is this job/career path right for me? On the one hand if I have a solid career, I spend the same amount of time working each week and get more pay. This is certainly a more profitable form than if I change over to a new career.

I know this may sound a bit immature. But if I were fully invested in my career, I think I would spend more time chasing my ambitions in it and not just do the bare minimum working hours on my job. I will go over the call of duty and put in more hours so that I get on ahead. If I were passionate about this job, but there is just so many things I want to do in life. Why can't I focus on just the one thing and do it absolutely properly?

I actually do love my job now and can't see myself doing anything else. But I do love singing, and writing music, and drawing, and reading and writing. There is too many things I want to do and I cannot do all of them at once. It is just so difficult, that I half-ass everything. I am not very good at any single one of these things, and mediocre at all of them. I would like to be great at something for once, and not feel like a hack. I want to feel genuine and a real person. I feel just like a shadow of a person in almost every way here. I want to be too much that I end up being nothing at all. Wow, my little talk of career and job has turned into a talk about fractured priorities.

I actually just had a talk with my sister Lyd, who was talking about Steve Job who passed away today. In one of his speeches in 2006, he mentioned to live everyday as if it was your last. If you did worked in a situation that you felt was not right for you for a few days running then you need to do something else. For me, it's more like I like what I'm doing, then I like to do that other stuff as well, on and wait a minute, I'll do that other stuff as well. Then I just burn myself out having achieved nothing much in particular. Oh, how very tiring all this is. Why can't I be satisfied with the simple things in life.

For instance, I would really like to paint properly and sketch beautiful pictures. I especially like the work of van Gogh. But would I be happy and satisfied with doing this all my life? Will I regret it later in life? I constantly live in fear of regret. I actually do not fear failure. I believe if I try my best then that is fine. My problem is I never put in my total and absolute best because I am drawn to so many things, drawn by my passion. And my passion shifts with seasons. I will do one thing for several weeks, then move on to the next thing. And so on and so forth, so progress on everything is so slow. Oh, I just don't know. Just overwhelmed.

Time For A Change

I really have not blogged here in a long time!! I have been very occupied with lots of things. But that really is no excuse for no blogging, I have still have plenty of time for doing pointless things. So here I am blogging.
I really need to get my life together, I'm already 25 years old and I still have no idea what I am doing. So here's what I'm planning to do, I will try to wake up at 4 am tomorrow and work from 4 am to about 11 am. I think that would be about what a full days of work is.

The reason for the weird times is because I really am struggling to do any useful work in the afternoon. Given that I am allowed to be flexible with my working hours, I don't see why I shouldn't try this. Also, I get so sleepy and useless in the afternoons. So when my mind is nice and quiet, perhaps I'd be more productive. Anyways, I'll give this method a try for a week or two and see how it goes.

I must say though, I am now already struggling with it because my sleeping cycle is still not used to it. It's 10.30 pm now and I still can't get to sleep. I need to wake up at to be in time to start work at 4am. So, that's pretty about 5 hours or so sleep now left. But I think I just need to be mentally strong, to make this change to my routine.

Another thing, I think I'm going to start drinking coffee again. I have not been drinking coffee since entered university till now actually. That's about 7 years!!! Last I was a heavy coffee drinker was in high school. All through university, I pretty much did not drink any coffee to keep awake or anything. But now in my PhD. I am really struggling, so I guess I really need the stuff. I feel so tired and lethargic every day. Perhaps coffee will help. Was always mindful of drinking coffee. I was of the mind that my will-power will be enough for me to perform. But no, I can't do it. I need coffee's help I think.