Rejection

I just received rejection on two stories I had written for the Australian Horror Writers' Association competition. Well, not that it was rejected, just that it was not selected as winner. I guess it was too much to ask for seeing that they are the first stories I have actually ever submitter. But it still is disappointing. I start asking myself is it not good enough; is my story not good enough, are my prose weak, are my characters not believable. Then I also ask; what are they looking for in a story, what do they want, are my stories not it. But alas, it really does not matter. These things can be quite subjective. Even I reading other people's work, have criticism of the best of authors in the horror genre. So what more to say me, who have just started off. Just keep on writing stories, then keep polishing them until it is acceptable to me is pretty all that matters I guess.

It's Kind of a Funny Story

I just watched this movie just now and it spoke volumes to me. It is about a 16 year old kid who is suicidal and almost jumps off a bridge. So he checks himself into hospital an tries to fix his problem. It is a movie about self discovery and the stories of the rest of the patients at this hospital.

Anyways, I can relate. Sometimes I get depressed too. I am not sure if everyone gets this but I do, so it is important for me to at least say it. This depression is not really a sadness but more a difficulty to do anything, do sometimes even get out of bed. At times like this I seem just to be incapable to cope with doing anything, driving to work, doing any work, cooking, bathing. Life at this point just seems tiresome and pointless. But I will say that I have never thought of suicide. It is just life gets so difficult to live.

Is this sort of behaviour common? I don't know. But sometimes I do feel it is self-indulgant, that I have everything I need yet I feel this way when others are worse off. But I cannot help it, it is how I feel. Also, I need to acknowledge that stress is a major factor in my life, be it justified or unjustified stress. University is very stressful and sometimes I just feel like I cannot cope. The stress can be stifling even. I have a presentation on Tuesday and I feel just so nervous about presenting in front of all those people. But it is not this one thing that makes me depressed. It is the culmination of all these things that build up so much pressure that I cannot carry all these things at once that weighs me down, tires me out. Again, I am sure other people have to cope with even more and tougher things than me. For instance, I don't even have kids or anything. But that just adds to the despair even more, am I so incapable an individual that I cannot even cope with these small things?

The fix of the kid's problem in the movie is that he learns to not do things that would cause him to be so miserable, apply to get into the best school etc. And go with his heart and do what he loves, making art. Well, that is a great solution isn't it. And it is what I have been trying to emulate, but it still is difficult. As I say, I feel like drowning sometimes, with a huge rock tied behind my back. And some days I just feel like giving up on life.

There is a quote from the movie (Reinhold Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer", I just googled it);

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

 I do not possess the wisdom to differentiate, or rather my enormous ego would have it I believe I can affect change in some way. And so I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder, when in actual fact there is no need for it to be there. It is tiring, and I just cannot let it go. I cannot accept, accepting seems defeatist. I guess my story is not that funny after all.